The Thoughts and Feelings of Lily Evans on Sirius
by Kariah Bengalii
Summary: The Thoughts and Feelings of one Lily Evans on one Sirius Black. James/Lily, Sirius/Lily. Sirius was just trying to do what was best.


**The Thoughts and Feelings of one Lily Evans on one Sirius Black**

Lily Evans used to be quiet. She used to spend all of her time reading books, and she used to adhere to the rules. She used to look down on the loud, rowdy boys that called themselves the Marauders, and she used to resent how they taunted her best friend, Severus Snape. Somewhere along the line, though, that had changed.

Peter was small and timid, and seemed to hide behind the other three so that he wouldn't ever get in trouble. She still didn't really know him.

Remus was bookish. He was in all of her classes, including Arithmancy and Ancient Runes, and he was smart and nice. She sometimes wondered how he'd gotten sucked into their little friend group.

James was obsessed with her. It was one thing to have a crush on someone she supposed, but he acted as though his mission in life was to make her like him back. She didn't think that could ever happen. He was permanently stuck in the friend zone.

Sirius was something else altogether. He was loud and rowdy, but he kept his elbows off the table when he ate and always swallowed his food before talking. He pulled her chair out for her whenever she sat next to him if James wouldn't, and he did his best not to let her catch him getting in trouble, knowing somehow that she wouldn't want to assign him any punishment, but it would bother her if she didn't. He always asked for her opinion on things, even trivial things, just to include her. He'd ask her for help on some of his assignments when Remus wasn't around, but he was very smart, and she wondered if he really needed help after all. Most importantly, he was steadfastly loyal to his friends, and he would take the blame for any one of them in a heartbeat. She remembered quite a few instances when all the evidence had pointed to James, Remus, or Peter, and he'd confessed to having done the crime. She knew he was lying; she could always tell, but she allowed him to be noble and protect his friends. He was estranged from his family, and somehow that made her want to hug him. It was amazing he'd grown up this well, really, knowing what sort of background he'd had. Everyone knew the other members of his family all had numerous deeply rooted issues, but Sirius had somehow escaped the family curse.

Lily sighed, thinking about him. She knew she liked him. She was crazy for him, but not in the way James was for her—that was just unhealthy. Sometimes she wished that he'd ask her out, but that was James' job apparently, and Sirius could never not be loyal to James, and she knew that she liked him for that quality, so she would be sad if he ever did ask her out, especially while James still thought he had a chance.

All of this combined made her appear to hate him. He acted so infuriatingly civil to her. She could feel the tension between the two of them, and she knew he could, too, but he ignored it and continued to be his crazy, outgoing, insane self. She did her best not to let on to anyone exactly how much he meant to her.

"Lils?" a low voice asked.

Lily's head snapped up and her eyes met Sirius's.

"You okay?" he asked, sinking down next to her on the red couch in the Gryffindor common room.

"Yeah," she said with a sigh.

"Okay," Sirius said, not wanting to pry. "I was wondering if I could talk to you about something."

"What is it?" Lily asked, eager to help Sirius any way she could.

"Well…you know how much I love James, right?"

Lily nodded, her heart sinking.

"You know that he's like a brother to me, and I'd do anything for him, right?"

Again she nodded, unable to speak.

"Well, uh…he asked me to talk to you about going out with him next Hogsmeade weekend," Sirius said.

"Oh?" was all Lily said, but inside she was screaming. How could life be so cruel?

"Yeah, and, well….I think you should. Date him, I mean. He's not that bad, really. You just need to get to know him, Lils. The two of you, you'd be great together."

Lily nodded, but she felt her heart breaking slowly. She and Sirius would be perfect together, but Sirius…she'd do what he wanted. She'd see if he really felt anything for her the way she thought he did. She'd see if he got jealous. And if not…then who cared? She wouldn't be truly happy without him, but she _could_ learn to live without him.

"So, will you?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, sure, why not?" Lily said, and got a smile from Sirius in return.

"Great, thanks," he said, and walked to the boys' dorms.

Lily nodded again, her heart laying in pieces as the boy that had just broken her heart walked away from her, unaware of the destruction he'd caused to it.

It was four years later when he approached her again.

"Lils?" he asked, to get her attention, and Lily's heart gave a twitch. It was still in pieces, but she'd managed to take the larger pieces and duct tape them back together so at least it functioned. Every time Sirius spoke to her, her heart throbbed. She wasn't sure if it was because he made her heart want to piece itself back together or because it was like throwing salt in an open wound each time.

"Hey, Sirius. What is it?" she asked, doing her best to look radiantly happy so no one would see the tears that she felt should be dried in a constant mask over her face from how much it hurt, seeing him every day and knowing it would never work between them.

"Well….Listen, Lils, I was talking to James and…he's going to ask you to marry him soon."

Lily's eyes widened and her breath stopped for a few seconds as that information sunk in. She looked at Sirius then, making no attempt to make herself look happy at the news. She didn't even make an attempt to blink back the excessive moisture in her eyes. She could never be happy with James, and it wouldn't be fair to him. She could never give him even a part of her heart, because it was already given to Sirius, and it would always be with Sirius.

"I just…I thought you should know, so you can prepare yourself," Sirius said, and then he turned and walked away from her.

_For the second time,_ Lily's heart whispered traitorously from where it lay at her feet—not broken, but completely shattered.

When her wedding day rolled around, Lily felt it would be much more appropriate for her to be wearing black. This was, quite possibly, the saddest day of her life.

When it came time for her to say "I do," she did so without any hesitation, not because she'd come to love the man standing in front of her, but because it was what the man she loved wanted. She'd still do anything for him, despite the passing of many years since she'd had hope.

A year later and her son was born. Harry James Potter. She'd wanted to name him after Sirius, but she knew there was no real reason for her to do that, so instead she simply made him godfather.

And slowly but surely, her heart healed. Her son did that. Her heart was no longer lying in shattered pieces like it had been for two years, but glued back together. Now, when she looked at Sirius, it didn't break over and over again. No, now, despite her continuing love for him, her baby boy was the most important thing in her life, and never again would she allow her heart to break over Sirius Black.

ϟ

-O-O-

On the day of Lily and James' wedding, Sirius stayed to support his best friend, but then he went to a bar, where he proceeded to get so drunk his magic was all that kept him alive. He walked to the Leaky Cauldron, dropped a few galleons on the bar for a room, and went up to cry himself to sleep. He didn't like it when people saw him weak, but he was too drunk to care.

She'd married him. Sirius supposed he ought to feel accomplished. Lily loved him enough to do what was best for her even though she loved him. He was also good enough at hiding his true feelings that Lily had never guessed what he felt for her.

He loved her, and he knew he could never love anyone else. Not for the first time he wondered why he was so loyal, such a good person. It only hurt like hell, not only for him, but for the one woman he loved. Then he remembered—it was because she thought he was that person, and he would do nothing to make her realize the kind of person he really was, lusting after his best friend's long term crush, and wishing that she'd choose him.

Oh, but if only she had. If only he was the one she pledged her life to that day. He wasn't, though, and it was really much better that she marry James. James' parents would happily accept a bright witch like her into the family. His family though…even though he was disowned, they would still see it as a personal insult. They'd probably kill her. It was better this way, it really was.

He thought back to when he'd first suggested that she go on a date with James. James had asked him to ask her, and although it hurt to even think about, he was loyal to James, and he knew, even then, that it would be better for her, and so he did. He wasn't quite able to block out all of her pain, though.

When he'd told her about James' upcoming proposal, his heart had broken at the hopeless look on her face. He saw the tears forming in her eyes, and had to hurry away before he broke down and gathered her into his arms, pouring his heart out to her, and begging her to choose him.

Today, though…he guessed he'd always harbored a small hope deep in his heart that she wouldn't be able to go through with marrying James. That hope was over and done with now, though. It was over—everything. He would have to learn to live without Lily. He needed to start distancing himself from them. It was then that he realized it would have to be Peter who was their secret keeper when they bought their new house. He needed to get away from them—for his own sanity.

When little Harry was born, Sirius had to visit them again. He felt horrible, lusting after his best friend's wife still, after all this time, but the little one broke his heart. If he'd been a little bit less of a good person, that baby boy could be his.

It wasn't long after this that Sirius became a drunk. He spent all his time in a bottle, trying to drown his memories, but his mind wouldn't have it, and his magic stopped the drink from doing much of anything to him anymore. It had had too much practice at protecting him from it.

When Peter betrayed them to Voldemort, Sirius went a little crazy. He went after Peter. He never killed those Muggles, but he was insane enough in that moment that he could have. Instead, he fired curse after curse at Peter, trying to make him pay for everything Sirius had ever done in addition to James' and Lily's deaths.

It wasn't long until Sirius was carted off to Azkaban, to spend years awaiting trial. There he slowly lost the memories he'd been trying to drown as they tortured him until he no longer knew exactly what happened all those years ago, and when he broke out, he no longer had them hanging over him. He felt free, finally. He'd atoned for the sins he could no longer remember, and now he was free to move on with his life. Finally.


End file.
